Often times we like to get our way. We might even advocate for ourselves or influence situations to be more like how we imagine they should be. When we are skilled at this, we convince ourselves we have control. I don't claim that this hasn't happened to me, I actually would like to own that that was my favorite delusion for a very long time. I still struggle with it today.
I am so afraid of what happens when I am not "in control" that I lie to myself and sometimes even lie to others in order to tell myself that I am. I don't like to feel so vulnerable. I don't like to feel so small. I don't know if this is something that is born in me or if it something that I just happened to develop. Luckily there is some hope for me yet. There is an idea called Radical Acceptance that will revolutionize my life if I choose to let it. It is the idea that life is what it is. I don't have to approve of things to accept them. I don't need to understand or have any say in the matter. I do have control of one thing and that's how I choose to react to the situations that are in my life. This is hard.
For a long time I have practiced non-acceptance as a way to fool myself into believing that I am coping with my issues. If it isn't real then I don't have to deal with it. Sometimes things just are. I am actually writing this post to remind myself of that simple fact. Denial is more than a river in Egypt, or a cliche, it is a very real false coping method of many. I struggle with it. I have found that I default to denial, minimization, manipulation, self-pity, and cynicism. I think, for whatever reason, that those things can protect me from my emotions, reality, and circumstances outside of my control. They can't and I know that I just don't always feel that way.
Tonight I end this post by saying, "It is what it is. I don't have to approve or cosign to acknowledge reality." I know that at the end of the day things will be whatever they are supposed to be regardless of how I act so I may as well choose to act the way that best serves me and my mental health by simply surrendering.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
