Priorities

What does it mean to have a full and happy life? Not just in general but what does it mean to you? I think that for most of us we ask ourselves what happiness consists of. I don't think anyone has found the secret to happiness by starting with that question and following a logical train of thought. Thinking doesn't seem to solve my happiness problem.
A couple years ago I was in a psych ward and I said I wouldn't leave until I was happy and stable. As if I could muscle medical professionals into changing who I was and what I was about. That was wrong. In the time since then I have experienced happiness but I have also been devastated. The interesting thing is that there was a long period where I didn't know what caused either thing.
Acceptance of one's circumstances seems to be a major part of it but if I just accept that my life isn't what I want it to be then I stay in a place that feels pretty hopeless. That certainly isn't going to make me happy.
If I base my happiness on other people and what they think of me or of themselves then I am giving them the power to destroy me. In the moment it might feel freeing or like a good idea but that's just because I am not taking responsibility for my life or my happiness. That's not okay either.
I have been reading a book called "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" and it makes a lot of really good points. One of the biggest points that I have found myself digging into is the idea that we have to care about some things, it's the way we were designed, but we don't have to care about everything. What we care about doesn't make us a good or a bad person but it can make us happier more peaceful people.

It's Hard To Be Okay

When life is going well it can be harder to accept than when life is going poorly. For many people this seems like it should be counterintuitive but when many of us are being honest with ourselves we see that we don't think we deserve nice things. We don't feel like we should be happy. We don't think that we deserve peace. It is important in those moments to identify the underlying beliefs. For me it often looks like; "I have done so much wrong, how can anything go right for me?" Obviously that means there are things I have yet to forgive myself for. In order to identify those things I have to give myself the time and space to think. Then I have to ask myself:

1. Is there something that is happening now that reminds me of something in my past?
2. Is there anyone who I don't like right now? Why? Do I have anything in common with that person or those people? What is my judgement?
3. Is there anyone who has wronged me other than myself? Can I find it in my heart to forgive them? Can I choose compassion?
4. Is there anything productive I can do right now for myself or for others? Is there anything getting in the way of doing those things?

I then have the choice, after identifying, to forgive and act in such a way as to find resolution. I know that if I choose not to do those things I am choosing to stay sick. I don't help anyone or myself when I do that so I may as well put in the work. 

Life On Life's Terms

Often times we like to get our way. We might even advocate for ourselves or influence situations to be more like how we imagine they should be. When we are skilled at this, we convince ourselves we have control. I don't claim that this hasn't happened to me, I actually would like to own that that was my favorite delusion for a very long time. I still struggle with it today.

I am so afraid of what happens when I am not "in control" that I lie to myself and sometimes even lie to others in order to tell myself that I am. I don't like to feel so vulnerable. I don't like to feel so small. I don't know if this is something that is born in me or if it something that I just happened to develop. Luckily there is some hope for me yet. There is an idea called Radical Acceptance that will revolutionize my life if I choose to let it. It is the idea that life is what it is. I don't have to approve of things to accept them. I don't need to understand or have any say in the matter. I do have control of one thing and that's how I choose to react to the situations that are in my life. This is hard.

For a long time I have practiced non-acceptance as a way to fool myself into believing that I am coping with my issues. If it isn't real then I don't have to deal with it. Sometimes things just are. I am actually writing this post to remind myself of that simple fact. Denial is more than a river in Egypt, or a cliche, it is a very real false coping method of many. I struggle with it. I have found that I default to denial, minimization, manipulation, self-pity, and cynicism. I think, for whatever reason, that those things can protect me from my emotions, reality, and circumstances outside of my control. They can't and I know that I just don't always feel that way.

Tonight I end this post by saying, "It is what it is. I don't have to approve or cosign to acknowledge reality." I know that at the end of the day things will be whatever they are supposed to be regardless of how I act so I may as well choose to act the way that best serves me and my mental health by simply surrendering.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.